How a Relationship Changes With Parenthood
Authored by:
Anna Glezer, M.D.
The transition to parenthood is stressful, and the months after a first baby is born are unique in a couple’s life. There are physical changes, social adjustments, and psychological adaptations.
One repeat finding in the research of parental relationships is that parents, immediately postpartum as well as a year or even several after childbirth, report a decrease in satisfaction in their marital relationship. This has been shown in couples across various ethnicities/races and in same-sex parents. This decline affects each partner’s well-being as well as that of their child, so I will focus on what might be responsible for that decline and then how to mitigate it.
Potential Reasons for Satisfaction Decline
Financial Stress
Financial stress, one of the most common reasons for marital conflict in general, is important in the transition to parenthood. This is in part because of the cost for providing for a new infant, often coupled with a decrease in financial stability in the immediate postpartum period (as few companies in the United States provide paid parental leave given that there is no federal mandate).
A study out of the Netherlands found that one contributor to this decrease in satisfaction relates to changes in work hours. Specifically, they noted that new mothers who quit their jobs became less satisfied in their partnerships.
Sleep Disruption
Another study out of Colorado points out the importance of sleep disruption and deprivation on partner satisfaction. As we know, sleep changes dramatically postpartum with a newborn. Both parents are experiencing less sleep and worse sleep quality, with first-time mothers being the most subjected to these sleep changes. Parents often find themselves in a state of chronic sleep deprivation – a state that impacts mood and cognition. Yet this is a time when a sharp mind is necessary to balance the new demands of the baby, the partnership, and one’s own needs. This balance requires good working memory, attention, communication, and mental flexibility. When the mind and the heart are impaired due to sleep deprivation, the relationship suffers.
Sense of Control
The sense of control or lack of control plays a role. Marital satisfaction is decreased by the feeling of a chaotic life, and general measures of well-being are also lower when individuals feel more out of control. A new baby plays into this dynamic, as new parents can rarely predict consistently the needs of the infant (and once a routine develops it can quickly change).
Sexual Intimacy
Postpartum there is also a decrease in sexual intimacy. For one, there is the recommendation of abstinence for six weeks after delivery. There are also changes in libido postpartum, in sleep arrangements, and in energy, all of which impact a couple’s sex life. Sexuality is such an important part of most couples’ relationships that any change in sexual intercourse certainly affects the partnership.
Mental Health
The postpartum period is also a time of vulnerability to the development of mental health conditions such as depression or anxiety for both mothers and fathers. Active symptoms of illness in either parent impacts the relationship between them.
(I encourage you to read my articles on Postpartum Depression in Dads and Recognizing Postpartum Depression in Moms)
Finally, how one grew up can change risk. If a new parent was raised in a home with conflict, divorce, or other problems, he/she is at higher risk of having martial dissatisfaction postpartum. It is valuable to know this association because if you are at risk, you can take steps to decrease the risk, as described below.
How to Increase Relationship Satisfaction
#1 – More time on the relationship and the couple
Leisure time as a couple, understandably, decreases significantly after a baby. It is this leisure time, however, that correlates with improved relationship satisfaction. I always ask my new parents, “When was the last time you spent time together as a couple?” If the answer is “Too long ago,” I encourage instituting a “Date Night” – any kind of protected time that parents can spend together focusing on their relationship as a dyad rather than the usual triad with baby. I encourage you to make this active time together, such as going out for dinner and engaging with each other, rather than passive, such as watching television together.
#2 – Acceptance of lack of control
While not an easy cognitive task, it can be helpful to accept that one’s life will be more unpredictable after having a baby, rather than attempting to control the situation and create more anxiety. It is still reasonable to form schedules and have patterns, but with the caveat that derailments happen.
#3 – Couples counseling
Poor communication prior to parenthood is one of the strongest predictors of decreased satisfaction after the transition to parenthood. Fortunately, this is also one of the most commonly addressed skills in couples counseling. I encourage working with a skilled psychotherapist, either for a few sessions or in an ongoing way, to improve communication and strengthen your relationship. This can be most helpful preconception or even during pregnancy, as well as in the postpartum period.
#4 – Parenting classes
A number of investigations have found increases in marital satisfaction (or lack of a decline) among couples who complete groups. These may begin before childbirth and continue into the postpartum period, are often for the couple to attend together, and focus on various cognitive, behavioral, and verbal skills to succeed in a relationship. They also provide a supportive environment to discuss problems and gather advice. I recommend checking with your obstetrician’s clinic for referrals.
#5 – Social support
Support can come from family, friends, the medical community, or online. It can come in the form of practical support such as assistance in caring for the infant, or in the form of emotional comfort through the transition process. I encourage couples to reach out to the helpful people in their lives or to find new supports such as through new parent groups. It can also come in the form of home visits from a nurse or counselor – ask at your obstetrician’s office if this is an option or speak with a social worker. And you can find it here! Consider sharing your story in the comments below as we continue to grow the Mind Body Pregnancy community.
#6 – Sleep
I discussed earlier the influence of sleep on mood and cognition, and therefore on the parental relationship. If sleep can be improved postpartum, there will be a positive impact on the relationship. In fact, I have had several patients tell me this was their experience. Sleep postpartum could be improved in various ways. If financially feasible, it may mean a night nurse several nights per week. If available, family may be able to help out. If practical, shifting work schedules to allow each partner to take turns or “shifts” being awake.
Selected References:
Keizer, R. & Dykstra, P.A. The transition to parenthood and well-being: The impact of partner status and work hour transition. (2010) Journal of Family Psychology 24(4): 429-438.
Medina, A.M., Lederhos, C.L, Lillis, T.A. Sleep disruption and declined in marital satisfaction across the transition to parenthood. (2009) Families, Systems, & Health 27(2): 153-160.
Petch, J. & Halford, W.K. Psycho-education to enhance couples’ transition to parenthood. (2008) Clinical Psychology Review 28: 1125-1137.
Shapiro, A.F., Gottman, J.M., Carrere, S. The baby and the marriage: Identifying factors that buffer against decline in marital satisfaction after the first baby arrives. (2000) Journal of Family Psychology 14(1): 59-70.
